Friday, February 24, 2017

Growing up, I was vain.

I felt many restrictions. I only care about my own pleasures, food mainly. Didnt know what was available. I didnt know how to talk to people, very poor relationship and conversational skills.

I grew up in an environment where all I knew was verbal violence, blame, quarrels, shoutings, vulgarities. I thought this was the norm. Brought on that to school and naturally people dislike me for my shit personality. Being a glutton makes things worse, I thought I looked so ugly that I starved, and experience severe hair loss due to malnutrition and poor sleep.

A part of me was still scared, very scared. I didnt know what was the right things to do. Thats why I pushed myself for exams. In order to save money, I deny myself the pleasures I like, say a fancy watch, a nice piece of bag. Sport shoes.

Extreme, is normal for me. I always do things on the extreme. Either I don't do, or I do with a kind of conviction that I thought I would die. I cant breathe sometimes.

Exercising and (Jesus)christianity relieved me since 2013.

I didnt love myself.

I always do everything to the best of my ability. I discipline myself if I did wrong.
I ran till I fell down 8 times in 2013.
The first few times I ran, I was so embarassed of my body image.
Having hair loss didnt help.

A part of me, is so weak and broken, that I have already tucked her somewhere deep inside.
Those days whereby I cry, where I desperately wanna end my life to end my suffering, where I think about my family who are supposed to help but didnt and pushed me further into the pits, where I thnk about the bullying from friends and isolation from others, and the in my workplace whereby Vanessa did all the shit to me (now she is having it by herself), I just wanted to end it all.

I didnt like myself.
I think I was ugly, unlovable, abandoned, despised.
Even I didnt like myself, who could like me?

Because of all this hurts, another me emerged.
The Strong me. The one who Can pushed through everything.
The extreme ends. The one who wants to protect the weak me.
I ran and gymed, increased my weights, Broke the bank's record for sales.
Improved my sales speech and was so much better than before.
Previously I cared about each small sales like 5k 10k, now even 100k doesnt make me blink my eyes.

I have come so far, because of Jesus.
Which I look to him, I forgot my pains.
I wept. I learn to forgive.
Forgive them, the hurt. I didnt want to take revenge anymore.
Anger dissolved.
Becaused Jesus loves me so much, holy spirit is within me, that I didnt want to hurt other people.
The vengeful, angered spirit, within me cannot never be win over the Holy Spirit, for He is so loving, kind, tender, I feel him deep inside me. My limbs turn weak. ( Not when the angry spirit took over me and I smoke, drink with Vanessa and dance and forgot who is the Real Me. Everytime I do those shit,  dont feel comfortable at all. I feel very out of place)

I feel the most me when I do the right things. Like studying hard for an exam, treating and being nice to my parents, and being respectful.

Life is a choice. It's up to me to break out of the curse.
If I focus more on the negative, I would become like them.
Time waits for no man. I will focus on what I really want to do.

Investments, making money grow.
Having $10 million in my bank, then $1 billion.
When I was young, I always wished for health, peace and happiness.
A pure hearted wish that I always wished for because I was suffering so much.

Thank you Jesus, you heard my prayer.

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