Friday, February 24, 2017

Growing up, I was vain.

I felt many restrictions. I only care about my own pleasures, food mainly. Didnt know what was available. I didnt know how to talk to people, very poor relationship and conversational skills.

I grew up in an environment where all I knew was verbal violence, blame, quarrels, shoutings, vulgarities. I thought this was the norm. Brought on that to school and naturally people dislike me for my shit personality. Being a glutton makes things worse, I thought I looked so ugly that I starved, and experience severe hair loss due to malnutrition and poor sleep.

A part of me was still scared, very scared. I didnt know what was the right things to do. Thats why I pushed myself for exams. In order to save money, I deny myself the pleasures I like, say a fancy watch, a nice piece of bag. Sport shoes.

Extreme, is normal for me. I always do things on the extreme. Either I don't do, or I do with a kind of conviction that I thought I would die. I cant breathe sometimes.

Exercising and (Jesus)christianity relieved me since 2013.

I didnt love myself.

I always do everything to the best of my ability. I discipline myself if I did wrong.
I ran till I fell down 8 times in 2013.
The first few times I ran, I was so embarassed of my body image.
Having hair loss didnt help.

A part of me, is so weak and broken, that I have already tucked her somewhere deep inside.
Those days whereby I cry, where I desperately wanna end my life to end my suffering, where I think about my family who are supposed to help but didnt and pushed me further into the pits, where I thnk about the bullying from friends and isolation from others, and the in my workplace whereby Vanessa did all the shit to me (now she is having it by herself), I just wanted to end it all.

I didnt like myself.
I think I was ugly, unlovable, abandoned, despised.
Even I didnt like myself, who could like me?

Because of all this hurts, another me emerged.
The Strong me. The one who Can pushed through everything.
The extreme ends. The one who wants to protect the weak me.
I ran and gymed, increased my weights, Broke the bank's record for sales.
Improved my sales speech and was so much better than before.
Previously I cared about each small sales like 5k 10k, now even 100k doesnt make me blink my eyes.

I have come so far, because of Jesus.
Which I look to him, I forgot my pains.
I wept. I learn to forgive.
Forgive them, the hurt. I didnt want to take revenge anymore.
Anger dissolved.
Becaused Jesus loves me so much, holy spirit is within me, that I didnt want to hurt other people.
The vengeful, angered spirit, within me cannot never be win over the Holy Spirit, for He is so loving, kind, tender, I feel him deep inside me. My limbs turn weak. ( Not when the angry spirit took over me and I smoke, drink with Vanessa and dance and forgot who is the Real Me. Everytime I do those shit,  dont feel comfortable at all. I feel very out of place)

I feel the most me when I do the right things. Like studying hard for an exam, treating and being nice to my parents, and being respectful.

Life is a choice. It's up to me to break out of the curse.
If I focus more on the negative, I would become like them.
Time waits for no man. I will focus on what I really want to do.

Investments, making money grow.
Having $10 million in my bank, then $1 billion.
When I was young, I always wished for health, peace and happiness.
A pure hearted wish that I always wished for because I was suffering so much.

Thank you Jesus, you heard my prayer.
















Tuesday, July 19, 2016

I feel so much for him. The last one was afiq.
He's so bright, I can't see anyone else.
When I think of him, my heart fills up with overflowing love/like I'm not sure.
Perhaps it's a better version of myself.

He's tall, good looking, good at talking. Gentle. Thoughtful. High EQ. Fun. Abit too fun.
He's everything im looking for. Without knowing the deeper parts.
He looks like a celebrity.
It's just like me isn't it. Crushing on people like when I'm young without truly knowing that person.

It's a deep magnetism.

Sometimes I just wanna get away.

Lord, I pray to you for a sign to let me know if I should approach him.
And my heartfelt thanks for everything I have now. Stable job, stable income, comfortable lifestyle, superb health and so on. Thank you Lord





Thursday, November 26, 2015

My heart ache at the thought of Your grace, mercy and love to me.
Who am i to deserve such amazing grace.
Flatters, compliments, by so many people. Care and concern...
I feel so blessed.
Thank you Father, and thank you Angels.
I love you ... ...
And I only live to worship you. I long for the day that I can be with you.

(First day: this very stern looking angmoh sales manager came in and suddenly they say I have to role play with another person instead of my team. Suddenly Sales manager of Swisse, Ian, came in. And I was selected. Everyone want very quiet and in the end it was huge applause and everyone said it was good. Even Ian himself. He was giving good comments and constructive feedbacks.  manager, in charges, All said that it was good. Said really well. Even Olivia, Xinqi, Emily. Serene. Vera..someone I don't know came up and really explain in details how good .. Like say like the way I talk.. How I approach the customer etc. w
Second day, ceo of swisse also said so. Like after it was done everyone clapped and all said was good like nth much to add on. Serene asked me to helped her and said like a few times. When I was sick, these bunch of angels offered me advice and even gimme panadols and digestive powder out from no where. I have never ever feel so.. Accepted, prideful, satisfied, belongingness, confident and proud of being me, and really being loved and cared for. Never ever. So this is what heaven feels like...

I feel really appreciative Lord. Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!! I feel like I wanna cry, again


Friday, November 20, 2015

Deep. More.
Deeper.

This is what I wanna get from life.
I wanna squeeze every drop of it till I'm satisfied

Friday, August 7, 2015

Rock Lee:
1)      If you believe in your dreams, I will prove to you, that you can achieve your dreams just by working hard.
2)      My motto is to be stronger than yesterday, if I have to I'll be stronger than half a day ago, even a minute ago!
3)      I want to show I can be a splendid ninja as well even if I don't have ninjutsu or genjutsu... I want to prove it to the whole world!
4)      If I can't do 400 push-ups, I'll hit the dummy 800 times! If I can't hit the dummy 800 times, I'll do 2000 jump ropes!
5)      A genius, huh? What does that mean? "Genius"? So I was not born with a whole lot of natural talent, not gifted like Neji ...but I work hard and I never give up! That is my gift, that is my ninja way!
6)      A dropout will beat a genius through hard work.

Might Guy:
7)      If you want to be free from your suffering, make up your mind. If you give up on your dream, you will suffer more.
8)      It's not always possible to do what we want to do, but it's important to believe in something before you actually do it.
9)      You're right, all efforts are pointless... If you don't believe in yourself.
10)   That's it, Lee! Let the power of youth explode!!
11)   You have the gift of perseverance, and that's what makes you a genius too!
12)   Don't let anything stir you up the path you have drawn for yourself! Forge ahead in the end! Stick to it Lee! Make me proud! Be everything you can be!
13)   You worked hard Lee, there's no doubt in my mind the surgery will be a success. You have the power to shape your own destiny. And on the one-in-one thousand, no, one in a million chance something to happen to go wrong, I will die right along with you. Since the day I met you, my nindō has been to train you to become the most splendid ninja possible. That's a promise!
14)   *to Neji* I was a failure when I was your age, but now I can even beat Kakashi, the elite genius. It's only a matter of time until Lee finally surpasses you!
15)   to Kakashi* What is with your attitude?! We'll never be young like this again!

Sakura Haruno:

16)   Every one of us must do what's in their power! If we're going to die anyway, then it's better to die fighting than to do nothing!

The now

 <table cellspacing="2" style="background:#000;"><tr><th style="width:200px;background:#000; color:#fff;font-weight:bold;">Disorder</th><th style="width:120px;background:#000; color:#fff;font-weight:bold;">Your Score</th></tr><tr><td style="background:#cda;padding:3px;"><b><a href="http://www.depressedtest.com/major_depression.html" style="color:#000;">Major Depression</a>:</b></td><td style="text-align:center;background:#cda;padding:3px;color:#000;">Very High</td></tr><tr><td style="background:#eeb;padding:3px;"><b><a href="http://www.depressedtest.com/dysthymia.html" style="color:#000;">Dysthymia</a>:</b></td><td style="text-align:center;background:#eeb;padding:3px;color:#000;">Extremely High</td></tr><tr><td style="background:#cda;padding:3px;"><b><a href="http://www.depressedtest.com/bipolar.html" style="color:#000;">Bipolar Disorder</a>:</b></td><td style="text-align:center;background:#cda;padding:3px; color:#000;">Slight</td></tr><tr><td style="background:#eeb;padding:3px;"><b><a href="http://www.depressedtest.com/cyclothymia.html" style="color:#000;">Cyclothymia</a>:</b></td><td style="text-align:center;background:#eeb;padding:3px;color:#000;">Slight-Moderate</td></tr><tr><td style="background:#cda;padding:3px;"><b><a href="http://www.depressedtest.com/sad.html" style="color:#000;">Seasonal Affective Disorder</a>:</b></td><td style="text-align:center;background:#cda;padding:3px;color:#000;">Moderate</td></tr><tr><td style="background:#eeb;padding:3px;"><b><a href="http://www.depressedtest.com/postpartum.html" style="color:#000;">Postpartum Depression</a>:</b></td><td style="text-align:center;background:#eeb;padding:3px;color:#000;">N/A</td></tr><tr><td colspan="2" style="text-align:center;background:#cda;padding:3px;"><b><a href="http://www.depressedtest.com/" style="color:#000;">Take the Depression Test</a></td></tr></table>












Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Nature is a painkiller

Walked and ran for two hours. Passed by the canal of my sec sch.
Finally been to the place I wanna go. I just passed by it unknowingly. And oh my... It took my breath away. The air.. The view of the water, sea, Sky. There's no place I rather be (cue rather be)
I walked, ran a little. First thing I did was to walk as close as possible to the water and just breathe.. Started stretching myself. You won't believe how good it feels.  Sat down on a stone bench and just started dazing. It's def one of my fav places.

Needy? Yes I'm. Because I'm insecure. Anyone like me should be. Without the support of a single soul, and having a self-destructive soul. I yearn for something, for someone, to stop this pain. I'm afraid, of what I would do to myself.